Safe Haven Baby Boxes’ Latest Fundraiser: Kirk Cameron and Weird Baby Box Theology. A Brief Discourse

Safe Haven Baby Boxes, Inc., announced recently that its 6th Annual Banquet will be held this year at the Hyatt Regency in Louisville, Kentucky. It can be pricey or not, depending on what you want to shell out. The banquet will include special guest appearances of formerly boxed babies anonymously relocated to forever homes for purposes of a “better life.” Proceeds from the event will go to help cover costs for “new headquarters, staff, marketing, Baby Box upgrades and serving parents in crisis.”

The really exciting news, though, is the keynote. I kid you not! Kirk Cameron, the B-list formerly cute actor from Growing Pains who now spends his days starring, directing, and producing “inspirational Christian films” such as Saving Christmas, (2014) a film that gives Hallmark Christmas movies a good name. In 2015 the film received four Razzie Awards: Worst Picture, Worst Actor, (Kirk Cameron), Worst Screenplay (Darren Doane & Cheston Hervy), and Worst Screen Combo (Kirk Cameron). It was nominated in two other categories—Worst Supporting Actress (Kirk’s real-life sister Bridgette) and Worst Director (Darren Doane)—but lost, which I suppose is really a win. Doane is also a co-star and producer. Maybe he should go back to directing Blink 182 videos.

If you are in dire need of a brain snooze, you can watch the movie for free on YouTube. If you don’t, here’s what you’ll miss:

• Snappy dialogue from “Christian White:” S_A_N_T_A. Rearrange the letters – Satan. Santa. Satan. Same letters.

Christian White? Seriously?

• Newly discovered historical fact: druids invented hot chocolate.

Reviews from the public and critics were brutal. (The Christian Post even questioned Cameron’s theology). Rotten Tomatoes rates the film 0% and, as of today, it holds the number eight spot on IMDB’s Bottom 100. In retaliation, Cameron blamed the bad response on “haters and atheists” and took to social media begging fans to put in a good word. Not surprisingly, it backfired.

No wonder, then, that Cameron is on the public speaking circuit. A guy’s gotta live. Unless he’s granting a charitable discount for the Baby Box folks, Cameron charges $30,000-$50,00 per appearance. That’s the cost of 2-3 baby boxes.

Cameron’s keynote topic is described vaguely as “his passion for adoption,” a serious Baby Box crowd- pleaser and cash scooper.

Cameron and his wife, Chelsea are the parents of 4 adopted and 2 biological children. They say they tend to forget which is which. Chelsea, herself adopted, says they adopted before they started making bios because they didn’t want the four earlier kids to feel like they were a second choice.

Here’s how I expect the keynote to go. I picture the God of Kirk Cameron as a lonely old wifeless patriarch in the sky, conniving up adoption to give meaning to His life. I mean, isn’t that what adoption is supposed to do? I mean, that’s what adoption propaganda says, so it must be true. (The entire 7-minute interview is here; this quote starts at 2:37).

The Passion of Cameron

And, and I want to also point out to that, that adoption, I really think is at the very heart of God. You think of as Christians, we can’t overlook the fact that Jesus himself was adopted. Right? So Joseph adopts Jesus as his son,. You think of Moses who is an adopted child,. And Christians we’re adopted— as the—actually the word that’s used in Scripture—to talk about the way that we are brought into God’s family, regardless of our background, regardless of the color of our skin, regardless of our religious upbringing, we’re adopted into His family by faith and we become his children. 100%

W-e-l-l . . . .

Look at Moses! Hmm. Not the best example of a grateful adoptee! He is not the adoptee that the agency promised! He is not a good role model for boxees to emulate. He is a very unhappy Late Discovery Adoptee with an ax to grind and the muscle to drown his family in the Red Sea. Nonetheless, the popular name for the Texas Safe Haven law is Baby Moses Law and the Baby Moses Project is the state’s non-profit advocacy organization. Does no one outside of Class Bastard see the irony?

Look at Jesus! What if his adoption records were sealed? What if he didn’t know that God, not Joseph, was his real father? What if he spent his entire life unaware of his destiny and instead spent 50 years pounding out tables and chairs in his fake father’s carpentry shop? The entire world –at least the West–would be mired in a cesspool of Jupiterian thunderbolts, Bacchian delights, and pantheons loaded with fire-burning virgins.

But wait a minute!

If God let Jesus and Moses know who they really were and where they came from,  then He must not sanction secret pregnancy and birth, anonymous abandonment, secret adoption, adoption lies, and sealed birth certificates and court records. And how about all those genealogical tables in the Bible?  Roots are important. If one were really paying attention one would see that the theology of adoption, that is beaten into current popular evangelical discourse is really the theology of abandonment. 

So where does that leave money-grubbing “Christian” adoption agencies, Catholic Charities, and especially Safe Haven Baby Boxes with their slogan: “Women Demand Anonymity?” I consulted my friend Dante Alighieri (cats have special psychic powers) and he suggested that the 8th Bulgia of the 8th Malebolge (Circle of Hell) would be suitable. Fraud.

I know I’m just a cat, but I advise Kirk Cameron to politely tear up his banquet contract and scoot back to Hollywood or wherever he lives. Safe Haven Baby Boxes aren’t in the script, and there are things worse than Razzies. MEOW!!!!!

Note: the Putative Boss(PB) is running behind schedule as usual. I do what I can, but you know how it goes. She says she will have an “interesting ” blog out very soon and be back on track.  Love, Angelika.